Babies Are Gross..And Adorable...But Mostly Gross

If our house were an industrial factory, we would have to change the 'Days Without A Bodily Fluid Related Incident' sign to say '0'. In the last 4 weeks and 2 days, we have pretty well managed to avoid any disasters. Unless you count the time Clark peed through his and his dad's outfit while they were both napping. My favorite part of that story? They were both so tired that neither one noticed until I picked him up and pointed it out!

 

Today, I was Clark's victim. Having been around several babies in my day, I am a pretty seasoned diaper changer and can get the job done at a near NASCAR pit stop pace. This morning, I apparently let my guard down and whilst getting the first side of his diaper fastened, my baby managed to pee everywhere. I have never been great at geometry, so I can't tell you at what degree the trajectory was coming, but I can tell you that it was impressive.

 

With his diaper half on, he peed through the top of the Pampers, down the side of the chair, and onto the floor. Somewhere in there, my socks were sacrificed on Clark's behalf to the golden shower gods. In no more than 5 seconds, my child, my furniture, my floor, and my socks were all in need of a serious cleaning. I don't think they make a Hoover carpet shampoo specifically for infant smells, but luckily, we do have a large container of their Pet Plus brand on hand at all times. For anyone wondering, there isn't all that much difference between a newborn and a puppy...at least as it pertains to getting their urine out of the carpet.

 

I'm getting a little ahead of myself, though. Before I could even get the shampooer out, I picked up the peeing machine and put him in his carrier strapped to my chest. Within a minute, while I was still sanitizing the recliner he had christened, I heard it. I may only be 4 weeks into being a parent, but I am already well versed in the sound every parent knows and fears. The sound that alarm clocks should make, because it causes such an immediate reaction that the 'snooze' button would quickly become extinct. I'm talking about the unmistakable sound of baby puke.

 

The moment I heard it happen, I reached to wipe him off when I noticed that he didn't have a drop on him. Like, not a drop. Not on his outfit, not on his mouth, nowhere. I, on the other hand, had it in more places than I care to list, the most horrifying being in my hair. In. My. HAIR! This child was literally strapped to my body and had not a drop of vomit on himself, yet somehow it was in my beautifully flat ironed locks.

 

His next move? Immediately falling asleep on my chest. An hour and a half later, the carpet is freshly shampooed, a load of laundry is done and a second load is in the works, and he is still knocked out. There's also still puke in my hair, but when this is your view, what's a little dried vomit in your messy bun?