Pregnancy Brain is REAL

In the interest of full disclosure, I did quite a few dumb things before I was pregnant, so I can't blame all of my airheaded moves on our fetus. There have been a few instances lately, however, that I am certain were caused by the budding human we made.

 

Since our baby is a jerk who still makes me very sick 23.5 weeks into this ride, I see a lot of doctors. I was recently asked when my next appointment is, and I gave two different days because I honestly cannot remember who I see each week, when, or even at which location. I collect those little appointment reminder cards like Ryan collects guitar picks - we find them everywhere! A couple of weeks ago, I had an appointment with a specialist first thing in the morning, at his office across the river. So I dragged myself out of bed at an ungodly hour in order to be showered, dressed, and to his office by 7am. After weaving through the maze of an unfamiliar hospital, I finally found his office, and learned that I was there a day early. And I did what any sick, tired, pregnant lady would; I cried. I stood in front of the reception window bawling and apologizing, then apologizing for bawling, and tearfully asked if I had to come back that early the next day. Luckily for me, the nicest doctor in the entire world came out of his office, greeted me with a huge smile, and said it was no problem and he would be happy to see me right then. Obviously, he is a kind man who took pity on the pathetic grown woman who was sobbing at the front desk because she can't read a calendar.

 

A few days later, I was making a late night grocery store run for a healthy pregnancy snack of m&m's and cheddar & sour cream baked Lay's. I took the dog out, got her kenneled, collected my purse, keys, what I thought was my phone, and headed out the door. By the time I got to the store, I realized that Ryan would be home any minute, and I hadn't told him that I was leaving, so he would be expecting me to be there. Not wanting him to panic, I pulled out my phone to text him. For what had to be a full minute, I stood in the middle of the aisle staring in bewilderment at the device I had just retrieved from my purse. It was one of those moments like when you first wake up from a really deep slumber and find yourself asking seemingly easy questions, that for several seconds you simply cannot will your brain to be able to answer - things like what day is it? Is it AM or PM? Why do I only have one sock on? - until you are shaken back into reality and the explanations start to flood in. I did know what day and time it was, but the questions I found myself rapidly asking right there in aisle 11 were; Where is my phone? Why did I bring the tv remote to the grocery store? How am I going to text Ryan and tell him I left my phone at home? Luckily, the two items I was in search of are located very close to one another, and I managed to get myself home right before he pulled in, sparing myself from having to recount the whole embarrassing ordeal.

 

The figurative nail in this 'pregnancy brain' coffin happened just a couple of days ago. Sunday mornings are very busy at our house, and I have found that most weeks, it is my worst sickness day. Which generally leaves me with a growling stomach so loud that I know it can be heard from the pulpit, with 15 minutes left in the sermon. This past Sunday was no different, and the moment we were dismissed, I ran to Ryan and begged him to quickly pick a place for lunch. Another couple was joining us and we all decided Applebee's sounded good.

 

Ryan kept saying 'It's close, so it will be quick' and I kept thinking to myself 'It's at least 5 miles away, and the only good way there from here is on a congested road with 10 traffic lights between here and there', but I know that during this pregnancy I have had a tendency to be hangry, so I told myself that I was just being a diva. I offered to leave and go get us a table and meet them whenever they could get there. 15 minutes had passed and I still wasn't to the restaurant, because the other drivers of the world are idiots and wouldn't drive faster than 25mph. At literally my 10th red light of the morning, I grabbed my phone (my actual phone and not the tv remote - thank Heaven for the little miracles) and texted to Ryan: 'Still not there. Traffic is terrible. Just now turning onto the right road.' Seconds later, he was calling me to tell me that he meant the other Applebee's, and that everyone else was already seated and waiting for me, and they would order appetizers. He didn't say this, but it occurred to me that by 'other Applebee's', he meant the one right down the street from church; the one that you can seriously walk to faster than the one I drove to - which makes much more sense now that I think about it.

I am hoping that my brain, and my waistline, will be quick to return sometime around the first of the year. If you see me walking around in a fog before then, offer me some m&m's, a map of the city I live in, and a spare phone to tell my husband what random location you have found me wandering around.