I am not a Pinterest mom. I do not understand Pinterest, or how to pin anything, or how to find things I’ve pinned, or how to make my creations look like what Pinterest made look so dang easy. So imagine my delight when 36 hours before the party, I received a text from daycare informing me of the upcoming Valentine’s Day party that included the phrase ‘Bring a dish to pass, and be creative with the theme of Valentine’s Day in mind. We want it to be special.’ Well you know what I want? To buy a tray of cookies and go on with my life. And I also want about a week and a half notice to get that half-hearted gesture off my back.
Genetically speaking, I should be good at this. I mean, my mother is basically the inspiration behind Pinterest. Or at least she should have been. Turkeys made out of suckers, cookies that look like stained glass windows, candy that looks exactly like bacon and eggs…the list goes on. She always cheerfully got me an apron and a chair and let me ‘help’, even if my assistance was more of a hindrance. I try my best to channel her patience in the kitchen…like not dying on the inside when my kid puts dog food in a pan and says ‘I make hot dog!’ while I try to cook one mediocre meal. In his defense, it might taste better than an actual hot dog.
Where I don’t excel is in actually making the ideas come to life. I will spend hours scouring Google for ‘EASY holiday themed treats’, find the easiest and cheapest looking one, head to the store (with a toddler in tow; which should be its own medal eligible event), come home exhausted after a day of work at my fulltime job and spend 45 minutes debating what would be easier: make the stupid treats, or get in the car, drive until we run out of gas, change our names, and start a new life. Daycare gets paid on Mondays, so they won’t be looking for Sarah in Omaha and her creative Valentine’s Day inspired dish to share.
Aside from the dish, why do I have to sit with a 2 year old for 83 pain staking minutes while he scribbles across 11 store bought Valentine cards with puns about being sweet? He’s just going to give them to 11 more tiny people who also can’t read.
Look, I appreciate that daycare wants to have traditions and parties and make cute little crafts. I love it. It is part of the reason why we chose the daycare that we did – because we knew that our kid’s day would be enriched by these things. The problem I have is WHY I have to participate. I pay them to create this environment. If I wanted to join in, I would apply to work there.
And here’s my other issue…the perfect little daycare family with the perfect treats that the perfect mom spent 11 hours and $492 creating. They’re 2. They eat rocks. Nobody is impressed with your 12 perfectly pink tiramisus in the shape of the freaking Mona Lisa served on a bejeweled heart platter that you made yourself. Our daycare has just such a perfectly perfect mom, who has no shortage of comments about the rest of us. And so help me Cupid, if she makes one remark about the red pancakes and light syrup (I’m sure her hand pressed sunflower oil that she picked the ingredients for from her perfect white picket fenced yard is a real hit with the toddlers) we bring, I will be on the front page of the paper being arrested outside of daycare for shoving pink tiramisu up her perfect butt.
This is why I hate the holidays. As if I don’t have enough going on in my life, now I have to MAKE crap?! Is there some sort of business that I can pay to make the thing I saw on Pinterest, they’ll deliver it to daycare, and then I can take the credit? Because I would pay good money and compromise my morals for that kind of service.
